I read over my list of things that I said I needed to change and I honestly can't really tell if I'm improving. I guess you could say I sort of am, cause I have accomplished or at least started working on some of those things, but there's other things that are still present in my life that I definitely need to change drastically. Ok, let's start on a positive note - it'll make me feel better about myself. I have read 2 books since I posted last, and my first goal was to start reading more again. I'm working on my third book (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), and I'm ordering some books from a series I want to read soon (though I shouldn't because I'm poor). One thing I think I should do about this goal is try to focus on books that I own, specifically some of the classics, and "greats". I have a ton of them and I've hardly read any of them. Books like Frankenstein, Tom Sawyer (I've read Huck Finn!), Catch 22, Oliver Twist, and just a whole slew of others that are all incredibly famous for how spectacular they are supposed to be and I've had them sitting on my shelf just being neglected for so long. I'm missing out on these great works of literature that are right at my fingertips - I think there's something wrong with that. Maybe I should start a blog about the books I read? Like a sister blog to this one (which has no readers anyway, but what the heck). I might do that...it'll give me motivation haha. What else have I been doing that's an improvement...let's see. I've gone out a bit more. I went skating with Brandon on Wednesday (this was kind of a date...I'll explain!), then I hung out with Scott on Friday night (saw "I Am Number Four" which I really liked), which was also supposed to be a date (in his mind) but for me it more or less ended up being a hang out with a guy that was just really incredibly annoying. Saturday I went bowling with Morgan, Donnie and Kirk and another guy I was gonna go on a date with was gonna come but he bailed. It was alright though, had fun bowling until Morgan started to get bored and then it was sort of causing everyone's energy to drain a little. We went to Ian and Erin's place after and chilled and just got like super baked watching Drillbit Taylor and Anchorman. It was a pretty good night in the end. I went home (with a stop at Sobeys for munchies of course haha) around 3 or 4am I think. Then today I hung out with Andrew, who's the guy that I was supposed to go out with on Saturday night. This is what I think I would consider my first real date ever. He picked me up, we went out for dinner, he paid, we talked and got along really well actually. He OPENED MY CAR DOOR FOR ME constantly (this was a wow factor - it was just so polite!) and then he was gonna pay for the movie we saw (Just Go With It - I liked it!) but I had a free one through Scene so I got him out of that. I donno, I really had a good time and he's definitely a decent cute guy. I could see it happening maybe. Ok ok, I'm off topic. Things I'm doing that are more positive lately...my room! It's much cleaner than it's been in a while. I'm going through old clothes right now trying to get rid of some so that'll get it even more organized soon. I haven't been doing Yoga, but I have hit up the treadmill a couple times, so that's active! I also haven't played black ops a lot lately. I donno, it's definitely a start right? I'm getting things done slowly!
The problem that I am having is that I'm bored I think. I don't know what I wanna do with my life, I'm not dating anyone (well not yet really), my friends never go out, all I can do at home is like...watch tv? I donno. I have nothing to get up in the morning for and this is causing me to sleep a lot. Way too much. I think there was a day last week where I just didn't get out of bed. It was pretty sad. I was awake and like, watched a movie at some point maybe, but I just slept on and off all day because I was just in the most blah mood ever and had absolutely no drive. I also hardly eat anything. I think my stomach is the size of a pea now. I don't even bother ordering large meals when I go out cause I can barely finish ones without getting sides or anything. It's helping me lose weight I suppose but definitely not in a healthy way. Another thing I should fix.
Ok. So my new revised list of short-term goals (I like short-term goals better than long-term. The feeling of accomplishment is nice).
1. Read more of the books from my personal library with a specific focus on the classics and those considered important in literature.
2. Do yoga and be more active in general
3. Go snowboarding more in the very near future
4. Get the rest of my stuff organized and thrown out or whatever is I'm doing with it
5. Finish resume and decide if I'm going back to Banff or not.
6. Whether or not I'm going back to Banff permanently, I'm going to visit, so plan this.
7. Plan some sort of basis for a novel and possibly begin writing it.
8. Continue to keep my room decent-looking.
9. Get out of bed more often.
10. Figure things out about these boys and whether or not I'm gonna see one regularly.
11. Maybe start a book blog?
I like that list. It's pretty concrete. It gives a good wide range of things to work on and at the same time the goals are pretty easy to attain and realistic. I'm quite happy with it. Anyway, I'm going to fall asleep to the wonderful stunts of James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie in Wanted and write about these boys in a post tomorrow maybe. I definitely need to write about them soon.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
What the hell am I doing with my life.
I've spent the last month sitting on my ass at home in Ontario all safe and sound doing shit all. I don't even work right now. I had two jobs in Banff that I left to come back here to visit my family and when one wouldn't take me back on, I could no longer live in the staff housing so I can't go back to Banff right now. I need to get my resume done and apply to some hotels or something and get myself back there but I just keep putting it off and it's honestly pathetic. I've also royally screwed up my entire circadium rhythm. I've been up until like 8am a lot of mornings and then sleeping all day and getting up around 4 or 5pm. It's very strange and I'm not entirely sure how I managed to let it happen but it's annoying. The only thing that I'm genuinely proud of myself for having done recently is reading a book. This may not seem like a big deal but to me it's monumental. I was a ridiculously avid reader for years and I stopped when Jeff and I started dating because I was so focussed on having him in my life that I just didn't really care for anything else. After we broke up I think I maybe read one or two books (while I was in Banff) but I just never got back into it for some reason. Today I wasn't doing much of anything so I picked up Sloppy Firsts from my shelf which I started ages ago and never got past the first quarter and I finished the damn thing. Finally. I read a book again. There are a lot of things I've been doing that I used to do before I entered the world of being too focussed on guys to give a shit about anything else. It's been refreshing. The last couple weeks haven't been so great though. I've been way too lazy. My life has consisted of this:
1. Call of Duty: Black Ops. - I finally hit level 50 and might prestige soon if I feel like giving up all my weapons
2. Netflix - I watched all of 18 to Life and Being Erica (3 seasons) and way too many movies to count
3. Facebook
4. Stumbleupon
5. Reorganizing my bedroom/possessions (which is actually healthy cause I'm getting rid of things I don't need and that's good for me)
6. A super relaxing bubble bath with either a book or a movie to watch almost every other day
7. Stumbleupon
8. www.ch131.com
9. Monday nights at Sin City with Parker Vito and Wingett
10. Playing with my dog
Yep. Thats about all my life has consisted of lately. Most of it is spent in either pj's or track pants with air-dried hair and no makeup on. Very sad. I should go get a tan or something. Or spend an hour at Chapters. I might do that tomorrow.
So based on my list of things that I have been doing lately. I think it's only appropriate to make a list of things that I want to start doing more frequently or continue doing because I really need to get my life sorted out and whatnot and now is the best time to start is it not?
1. Reading more. I really should focus on some of the classics since I'm going to need them for school but for now I want to get started on Second Helpings and this book I heard about called Across the Universe (nothing to do with the movie) that sounds really interesting.
2. Writing more. I'm starting with this. But one thing I've always wanted to try is writing a novel or short stories or something of that nature. I have to start somewhere though so here is good for now.
3. Physical Activity. I barely leave my house anymore. I use the treadmill once in a while or snowboard once in a while but that's about it so I need to start amping it up a bit, which leads me to...
4. Do yoga. I've always wanted to so I'm going to.
5. Finish my resume and send out some to places in Banff. I'm not even sure if Banff is the right place for me anymore but it doesn't feel like Peterborough is so I don't know where else to go.
6. Finish organizing and getting rid of all my crap. I keep stopping and not starting back up for days. I have a LOT of stuff and I don't need it at all.
7. Keep my room clean. I'm sick of walking on clothes. Doesn't it always feel better when the room you're in is organized and nice-looking? It makes me feel better.
8. Be more positive. I've been such a downer lately it's depressing. I need to fix my attitude and get happy again and stop allowing something that happened ages ago to still have negative affects on me.
I might add to that list eventually, but it's a good starting point at the very least. So here's to getting perspective and trying to fix one's life! Let's hope it all works out at some point in time.
1. Call of Duty: Black Ops. - I finally hit level 50 and might prestige soon if I feel like giving up all my weapons
2. Netflix - I watched all of 18 to Life and Being Erica (3 seasons) and way too many movies to count
3. Facebook
4. Stumbleupon
5. Reorganizing my bedroom/possessions (which is actually healthy cause I'm getting rid of things I don't need and that's good for me)
6. A super relaxing bubble bath with either a book or a movie to watch almost every other day
7. Stumbleupon
8. www.ch131.com
9. Monday nights at Sin City with Parker Vito and Wingett
10. Playing with my dog
Yep. Thats about all my life has consisted of lately. Most of it is spent in either pj's or track pants with air-dried hair and no makeup on. Very sad. I should go get a tan or something. Or spend an hour at Chapters. I might do that tomorrow.
So based on my list of things that I have been doing lately. I think it's only appropriate to make a list of things that I want to start doing more frequently or continue doing because I really need to get my life sorted out and whatnot and now is the best time to start is it not?
1. Reading more. I really should focus on some of the classics since I'm going to need them for school but for now I want to get started on Second Helpings and this book I heard about called Across the Universe (nothing to do with the movie) that sounds really interesting.
2. Writing more. I'm starting with this. But one thing I've always wanted to try is writing a novel or short stories or something of that nature. I have to start somewhere though so here is good for now.
3. Physical Activity. I barely leave my house anymore. I use the treadmill once in a while or snowboard once in a while but that's about it so I need to start amping it up a bit, which leads me to...
4. Do yoga. I've always wanted to so I'm going to.
5. Finish my resume and send out some to places in Banff. I'm not even sure if Banff is the right place for me anymore but it doesn't feel like Peterborough is so I don't know where else to go.
6. Finish organizing and getting rid of all my crap. I keep stopping and not starting back up for days. I have a LOT of stuff and I don't need it at all.
7. Keep my room clean. I'm sick of walking on clothes. Doesn't it always feel better when the room you're in is organized and nice-looking? It makes me feel better.
8. Be more positive. I've been such a downer lately it's depressing. I need to fix my attitude and get happy again and stop allowing something that happened ages ago to still have negative affects on me.
I might add to that list eventually, but it's a good starting point at the very least. So here's to getting perspective and trying to fix one's life! Let's hope it all works out at some point in time.
Monday, May 31, 2010
My Life Right Now
I went through a horrendous breakup, and I've been trying to figure out the best way to work through my feelings. I haven't posted anything on here in a while, but I wrote this on my computer a few weeks ago when I wasn't feelings particularly happy...to try and let it out somehow, so I thought I'd post it. No one really reads this anyway... I always forget about it. Anyway, here's some random journal entry I wrote.
I'm lost. I gave my entire heart to a guy I barely even knew when I thought I did and it was a mistake, a really terrible mistake because he took it and tore it out of my chest and he ripped it to shreds and instead of just letting the pieces fall he threw them to the ground and he stomped on them and crushed those pieces up even more. I have never felt like this before. I don't know how to function. I have no desire to do anything, no motivation, no drive. I wake up in the morning and I want to do something, I really do, but I just can't make myself do anything. I sit around a lot. If I wasn't working I don't even want to think of what my life would be like because at least if I'm going to work I'm doing something productive and I haven't been doing anything productive in ages. Jeff broke up with me on March 5th 2012. It is now May 21st and sure I seem like I'm better, I don't cry in public as often, I don't talk about him as often, apparently people are even noticing me losing weight…but on the inside I'm screaming. I'm screaming my friggin head off and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment because I don't know what I did to cause Jeff to treat me the way he has. I'm like pond scum to him. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He erased absolutely everything about me from his life and he never wants to see or speak to me again. I trusted him and I gave him my whole heart and cared about him more than I've ever cared about a person in my life and I knew my feelings for him were developing faster than his were for me but I thought he at least cared about me a little, or why the hell would he bother dating me. The things he'd do and say to me…he was just the world's greatest actor apparently because it was all lies. He didn't miss me when we weren't together, he never seemed like he wanted to talk to me, he was the hardest person in the world to make plans with which is apparently a result of him having no desire to hang out with me…I just don't understand why he even went into a relationship with me if he didn't want to be in one. Why he pretended to care about me. Why he introduced me to his family, let me stay at his house…why he took my virginity after I held onto it for 20 years. He took it knowing how I felt about him, knowing I had waited…I might not have made it seem like that big of a deal, but whether I outright told him or not, after waiting 20 years it's pretty obvious that it was important to me and that I was giving it to him because I cared about him. I obviously made a mistake in not waiting a little longer, not getting to know him better, not letting him show his true colours, but I'm not the one that should be blamed for that and I feel like everyone is blaming me. People are saying that I shouldn't even care because my virginity wasn't important to me and that I shouldn't have given it up so fast. He shouldn't have taken it from me when he knew he didn't care about me! This is not my fault in the slightest…I didn't do anything wrong. I was so good to him. We only dated for a little while but I let him become my world. I would have done anything for him…it's pathetic but I fell in love with him. I took all the love and emotions in me that I had been waiting so long to give to someone and I was so happy with Jeff and I felt so lucky to finally have someone that wanted to be with me…and so I just gave it all to him so fast. I let it all go…I held on to everything for so long, afraid of rejection and getting hurt and really worrying about my image - that was one of the main things for me, I was terrified because I'm not the skinniest girl in the world - and when I finally cave and actually decide to go for it and try dating a guy, he was the worst person I could have picked…he had no intention of seeing it through, he just used me and tossed me aside like garbage and has no intentions of fixing the things he did wrong and no intentions of helping me feel better…I'm nothing to him.
I never finished it, I kind of couldn't write anymore...it was a pretty rough couple of days for me around when I wrote this. I'm a bit better now...but I'm still working through everything.
I'm lost. I gave my entire heart to a guy I barely even knew when I thought I did and it was a mistake, a really terrible mistake because he took it and tore it out of my chest and he ripped it to shreds and instead of just letting the pieces fall he threw them to the ground and he stomped on them and crushed those pieces up even more. I have never felt like this before. I don't know how to function. I have no desire to do anything, no motivation, no drive. I wake up in the morning and I want to do something, I really do, but I just can't make myself do anything. I sit around a lot. If I wasn't working I don't even want to think of what my life would be like because at least if I'm going to work I'm doing something productive and I haven't been doing anything productive in ages. Jeff broke up with me on March 5th 2012. It is now May 21st and sure I seem like I'm better, I don't cry in public as often, I don't talk about him as often, apparently people are even noticing me losing weight…but on the inside I'm screaming. I'm screaming my friggin head off and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment because I don't know what I did to cause Jeff to treat me the way he has. I'm like pond scum to him. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He erased absolutely everything about me from his life and he never wants to see or speak to me again. I trusted him and I gave him my whole heart and cared about him more than I've ever cared about a person in my life and I knew my feelings for him were developing faster than his were for me but I thought he at least cared about me a little, or why the hell would he bother dating me. The things he'd do and say to me…he was just the world's greatest actor apparently because it was all lies. He didn't miss me when we weren't together, he never seemed like he wanted to talk to me, he was the hardest person in the world to make plans with which is apparently a result of him having no desire to hang out with me…I just don't understand why he even went into a relationship with me if he didn't want to be in one. Why he pretended to care about me. Why he introduced me to his family, let me stay at his house…why he took my virginity after I held onto it for 20 years. He took it knowing how I felt about him, knowing I had waited…I might not have made it seem like that big of a deal, but whether I outright told him or not, after waiting 20 years it's pretty obvious that it was important to me and that I was giving it to him because I cared about him. I obviously made a mistake in not waiting a little longer, not getting to know him better, not letting him show his true colours, but I'm not the one that should be blamed for that and I feel like everyone is blaming me. People are saying that I shouldn't even care because my virginity wasn't important to me and that I shouldn't have given it up so fast. He shouldn't have taken it from me when he knew he didn't care about me! This is not my fault in the slightest…I didn't do anything wrong. I was so good to him. We only dated for a little while but I let him become my world. I would have done anything for him…it's pathetic but I fell in love with him. I took all the love and emotions in me that I had been waiting so long to give to someone and I was so happy with Jeff and I felt so lucky to finally have someone that wanted to be with me…and so I just gave it all to him so fast. I let it all go…I held on to everything for so long, afraid of rejection and getting hurt and really worrying about my image - that was one of the main things for me, I was terrified because I'm not the skinniest girl in the world - and when I finally cave and actually decide to go for it and try dating a guy, he was the worst person I could have picked…he had no intention of seeing it through, he just used me and tossed me aside like garbage and has no intentions of fixing the things he did wrong and no intentions of helping me feel better…I'm nothing to him.
I never finished it, I kind of couldn't write anymore...it was a pretty rough couple of days for me around when I wrote this. I'm a bit better now...but I'm still working through everything.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I have no idea what I'm doing...
So, I wrote this a while ago, I wasn't sure if I was gonna post it or not...but I decided to. I know a few of my friends know I have a blog, but I've never told them the URL or anything so I know they don't read it/can't since they can't find it. They all know I'm a big internet junkie, but they don't know what I do online. Anyway, the point is, I wrote this and I need to publish it now because if I don't then a lot of stuff won't make sense in future blog posts. I was gonna write a new one tonight because I've been in such a bad mood...but going through this one to make sure I wanted to post it was enough for one night, I might write more tomorrow. Here it is:
Essentially, I really wanted to write this just because I wanted to remember it. It's not something that I should probably want to remember considering the circumstances, but I still think it's fairly important. I don't know how intoxicated Chris was at the time, I know that I wasn't too bad though and because of this, I'm sort of considering this to be one of the most real and intimate experiences I've ever had.
Chris is the name of one of two guys I met on Thursday Sept 24th 2009 at Sin City for Tyscry's 20th birthday. Chris has a girlfriend….but then again, so does practically every other guy that I like/have liked in the past year or so…at least, the ones that have shown somewhat of an interest in me in return all seem to have girlfriends. Why does this situation continue to happen to me over and over? At one point, I had a crush on an entirely different guy named Chris - he didn't have a girlfriend…or show any indication that he was interested enough to ask me out…but he was single! Why can't the single ones ever like me? Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Chris.
Chris has a girlfriend. Chris likes me. He may have been slightly intoxicated, but he was an instigator. Also, people are way more honest to others as well as to themselves when they drink. So, Chris likes me - at least a little bit. He likes me enough that the words "I kind of wish I was too right now" came out of his mouth when I said "I really wish you were single".
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from earlier in the night. This is as best as I can remember it since it is currently October 6th - a significant amount of time later, during which I had plenty of time to forget minor details.
I was not planning to go out on September 24th. It was a Thursday night. Friday mornings I have my Renaissance to Restoration seminar at 9am and then I usually work during the afternoon. So, I planned to stay in. After many phone calls and etc, this plan obviously changed. I stayed in long enough to watch Survivor and one hour of Grey's Anatomy while curling my hair (which fell out so fast that it was a big waste of time…) and then I went to meet my friends at Wild Wing. The guys were all playing pool and I went and chilled with Melissa, Ashley, Ry and Jason while they did their thing. (By "the guys" I mean, Rob and his roommates - including Derek- who Tyscry hangs out with from school).
Ashley was pretty drunk at this point, so I had to start catching up. I had some beers and we requested the DJ play some Journey (Don't Stop Believin') for Ty's birthday. Not very long after I got there, we headed down to Sin City.
We pretty much always just head straight to the patio when we go to Sin City, so we did this again. It wasn't too busy yet, we were there relatively early and it was a Thursday. We met up with Tim and his friends on the patio and Cassandra showed up either at Wild Wing or Sin City to meet us - I'm not sure where we met her.
While on the patio, I ran into Wingett and was talking to him and his friend Vito. He was talking to two guys - Chris and Cody. At this point I was more intoxicated, so I immediately said "We're the three C's…love it." and then Cassandra came over, and I got excited because she is also a C name. So yeah, I met the guys there and then didn't see them for a bit. A song came on the Ash and I love, I'm not sure which one, and we had to dance, so we headed inside. We were just dancing with a bunch of people at first, but then Chris and Cody showed up on the dance floor and I grabbed Cody (who claimed he didn't dance) and forced him to dance with me. I was already way more interested in Chris at this point. He was more outgoing and talkative and he liked to dance, so I was dancing with Cody for a bit (until he made up some excuse because he hates dancing) but eventually I danced with Chris. The first thing he says to me is "I have a girlfriend", to which I replied with something along the lines of "I don't want to marry you, I just want to dance". He kind of was backing off at first, but eventually, he was all over it.
Chris is a very touchy-feely drunk. He kept telling me "You're gonna get me in trouble" and when I said, "it's just dancing" he almost seemed like he was considering how innocent it was and then he'd grab me and start grinding with me. I was trying to just dance like a normal person - you know, not so much of the grinding closeness. Also, his hands were going places. He liked to get up under my shirt and I'd have to pull him away and such.
So basically, the night consisted of me dancing with Cody most of the time, but when Cody would disappear for long periods of time, I would be dancing with Chris. At one point I even was wondering around and just ran into Chris while walking and he grabbed me and pulled me to dance.
Chris kept insisting that he wanted me to get together with Cody. He said he was trying to find Cody a girl but Cody isn't really shy, just not outgoing enough to get one I guess. Like, he's an awesome guy, but I guess, the issue for Cody is that he goes out with Chris. Between the two of them, Chris is more appealing - not because of looks, they are pretty equal on that level. Chris, like I said, is outgoing and flirty and all those things that attract girls to guys (at least, they attract me to them…it's becoming an issue). So yeah, after he said this to me for the 50th time I stopped dancing, looked straight at him and said "Under normal circumstances, I'd probably be making out with Cody right now, but I can't tonight". He asked why, and I said "because you're here, and I like you a lot more." This more or less got me a more or less "What are you doing, you know I have a girlfriend" look from him. I don't know how else to describe it. He said "I have a girlfriend" and I said "I know, but I still like you". And we continued dancing. After this, whenever I was dancing with Cody, Chris would kind of be chilling by himself, but he was looking at me. I got Cassandra to dance with him at one point because he looked lonely, but she didn't like his touchiness so she stopped.
After a while, we discovered the we were going home to houses about a block away from each other. My friends all were leaving early-ish cause they were heavily intoxicated, but I didn't want to leave because I wanted to see what would happen with Chris. I didn't want to cause him to cheat on his girlfriend, but I wanted to hang out with him. The three of us decided to get a cab back to Cody's house together and I was just gonna walk home from there. We walked together down to where the cab was picking us up. Apparently they alway get picked up at Tim Horton's on George Street. The whole walk down, Chris was either massaging my shoulders, grabbing my arm/hand, putting his arm around me, trying to put his hand up under my shirt at my back, etc. He was essentially flirting with me non-stop. Cody was walking a bit a head of us, and I'm sure he noticed but he didn't say anything.
We stopped at the hot dog stand cause they both wanted to eat something, and naturally, Derek was there with Rob and some other guys. He immediately grabbed me to give me a hug while Chris and Cody got their food. Then he started talking about how we need to hang out soon and stuff. He didn't have my number because he lost his old phone so he wanted it and he gave me his new number, etc. He kept holding me with my back against him and his arms around me while he was talking to me. It was awkward because he's only like that with me when he's drunk so I just kind of ignored it.
Anyway, we continued to walk to meet the cab. I can remember Cody and Chris making fun of me for driving a Sunfire and I could hear Derek and them walking behind us and I heard them saying the word Sunfire/flower as well so I'm pretty sure they were trying to bug me…
The whole cab ride home, Chris was grabbing my arm, and like…running his fingers up it in the kind of way that sends shivers down your spine. I kept trying to grab his hand and he'd pull away and continue to do that instead. Anyway, we got to Cody's, paid the Cabby and got out. Chris drives one of the most gorgeous trucks I've ever seen. As soon as I saw it I was like "who's truck is that…" and Chris kind of looked at me with this smug little look on his face and said "you like it?" and I said "it's gorgeous…I'm a sucker for trucks". Cody then piped up about his bike in the garage - which I also wanted to see. These guys drive amazing vehicles. I heard the dogs inside the house and Cody mentioned them so I said "Can I meet them?" and they took me inside so I could see the dogs - which were adorable. Then they asked how I was gonna get home and I said it wasn't very far and I was just gonna walk, it's no big deal. They asked if I wanted them to walk me and also offered to let me stay and hang out with them in a hot tub…which I said no to. I said they didn't need to walk me home but if they wanted to they could. Cody said he was gonna go to bed but Chris offered to walk me home.
We left the house and walked together. It wasn't long before he had his arms around me and was flirting with me some more. I love body contact…I don't know what it is, but it just makes me feel more comfortable/safe/whatever. So when a guy has his arms around me or is touching me in pretty much any way (I swear I'm not trying to sound sexual) it just makes me feel way better. I love hanging out with David when I drink because he's the same way. He doesn't try to make out with you or anything, he just likes to be touched, even if it's just someone holding onto his arm to keep him steady. I'm the same way, so us drunk together is perfect. He's also one of the only guys I'm close enough to in order to act this way. Ryan and Tyler and them, not so much.
Anyway, Chris was touchy-feely. He wasn't trying to get anywhere with me, he just kept holding me, and I loved it. We talked. It was nice. I've never been so open with a person that I like before. He knew I liked him, so I didn't have to pretend I didn't. I was just really upfront with him. We talked about why I wanted him and not Cody. I can remember explaining that Cody is a good guy and that I do like him but I remember saying "I don't know what it is, not to be mean to Cody, but you're just better". It makes sense to me…
We talked about his girlfriend as well. They've been dating for four months. I was like "do you think it's going to last?" He actually told me that he had thought of breaking up with her already. This obviously got me hopeful, but not too much. I asked why he hadn't. I guess he doesn't want to hurt her because she's really insecure and such. It's understandable. I told him that he better call me if they ever break up because I really like him and he promised me he would. We got near the park and told him to come hang out on the swings with me for a bit. So we went and sat on the swings and just talked some more. Then he got up and tried to sit on me, which pushed me backwards. I was like "I'm gonna fall, I'm gonna fall' and he didn't believe me. He said "no way I got you," and I fell in the sand…which made him laugh. Then I told him to come chill with me. He was kind of like, siting on me for a minute…like straddling my hips sort of, but then he said he didn't like the sand and got up. I was like "it's warm and dry!". He went to sit in the grass and discovered it's very wet. He stood up and I went over to him and he was kind of holding me and he said something about his girlfriend and I said something about him not being a particularly good boyfriend at the moment and he kind of backed off and was like "I shouldn't be doing this…"
Then he went and laid on his back in the sand so I went over and laid beside him. We talked for a bit more and then he said he was cold so I go on top of him "to keep him warm". We were kind of just laying together for a bit - this is why the whole experience was so intimate for me. I've never been this close with a guy before. We weren't talking much, just laying there and it was amazing. I loved it. I don't know what it was, it was just great, though at one point he complained that i just have sand in my hair cause it was in his mouth suddenly. We didn't kiss, I never tried to make him, he never tried really either. I kind of kissed his jawline at one point, but I didn't go near his mouth. He kissed me on the forehead and then we were too cold so we got up to leave. Once we got to my house I could see he was freezing so I told him I was sober enough to drive him back to Cody's. I got the keys to the van and drove him back. He promised me he'd text or call (he didn't…I totally initiated that). He gave me a hug goodbye and then I went home.
I didn't see him again until the next week. On Saturday Oct 3rd, we went out for Head of the Trent together. I will write about this. I texted him before HOTT, but he said he was busy and couldn't hang out. But the fact that he texted me back gave me a little hope. He's at least interested enough to not ignore me. We also talked on MSN and he was the one who told me he wanted to get together to pre drink before going downtown for HOTT. That whole story is for another blog though. Too much at once for me to handle. I'm just so sick of falling for guys that have girlfriends. I don't mean to like them…it's not the fact that they are unavailable that attracts me to them. I like them before they have girlfriends or before I find out they have girlfriends. It's a crappy little cycle I'm keep finding myself in. And then I am continuously waiting for them to break up…it doesn't work very well and it's not something I recommend to anyone. Anyway, I'm gonna stop with this entry because it's ridiculously long and detailed…hopefully I've gotten down everything I want to remember. I can't think of much else.
Essentially, I really wanted to write this just because I wanted to remember it. It's not something that I should probably want to remember considering the circumstances, but I still think it's fairly important. I don't know how intoxicated Chris was at the time, I know that I wasn't too bad though and because of this, I'm sort of considering this to be one of the most real and intimate experiences I've ever had.
Chris is the name of one of two guys I met on Thursday Sept 24th 2009 at Sin City for Tyscry's 20th birthday. Chris has a girlfriend….but then again, so does practically every other guy that I like/have liked in the past year or so…at least, the ones that have shown somewhat of an interest in me in return all seem to have girlfriends. Why does this situation continue to happen to me over and over? At one point, I had a crush on an entirely different guy named Chris - he didn't have a girlfriend…or show any indication that he was interested enough to ask me out…but he was single! Why can't the single ones ever like me? Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Chris.
Chris has a girlfriend. Chris likes me. He may have been slightly intoxicated, but he was an instigator. Also, people are way more honest to others as well as to themselves when they drink. So, Chris likes me - at least a little bit. He likes me enough that the words "I kind of wish I was too right now" came out of his mouth when I said "I really wish you were single".
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from earlier in the night. This is as best as I can remember it since it is currently October 6th - a significant amount of time later, during which I had plenty of time to forget minor details.
I was not planning to go out on September 24th. It was a Thursday night. Friday mornings I have my Renaissance to Restoration seminar at 9am and then I usually work during the afternoon. So, I planned to stay in. After many phone calls and etc, this plan obviously changed. I stayed in long enough to watch Survivor and one hour of Grey's Anatomy while curling my hair (which fell out so fast that it was a big waste of time…) and then I went to meet my friends at Wild Wing. The guys were all playing pool and I went and chilled with Melissa, Ashley, Ry and Jason while they did their thing. (By "the guys" I mean, Rob and his roommates - including Derek- who Tyscry hangs out with from school).
Ashley was pretty drunk at this point, so I had to start catching up. I had some beers and we requested the DJ play some Journey (Don't Stop Believin') for Ty's birthday. Not very long after I got there, we headed down to Sin City.
We pretty much always just head straight to the patio when we go to Sin City, so we did this again. It wasn't too busy yet, we were there relatively early and it was a Thursday. We met up with Tim and his friends on the patio and Cassandra showed up either at Wild Wing or Sin City to meet us - I'm not sure where we met her.
While on the patio, I ran into Wingett and was talking to him and his friend Vito. He was talking to two guys - Chris and Cody. At this point I was more intoxicated, so I immediately said "We're the three C's…love it." and then Cassandra came over, and I got excited because she is also a C name. So yeah, I met the guys there and then didn't see them for a bit. A song came on the Ash and I love, I'm not sure which one, and we had to dance, so we headed inside. We were just dancing with a bunch of people at first, but then Chris and Cody showed up on the dance floor and I grabbed Cody (who claimed he didn't dance) and forced him to dance with me. I was already way more interested in Chris at this point. He was more outgoing and talkative and he liked to dance, so I was dancing with Cody for a bit (until he made up some excuse because he hates dancing) but eventually I danced with Chris. The first thing he says to me is "I have a girlfriend", to which I replied with something along the lines of "I don't want to marry you, I just want to dance". He kind of was backing off at first, but eventually, he was all over it.
Chris is a very touchy-feely drunk. He kept telling me "You're gonna get me in trouble" and when I said, "it's just dancing" he almost seemed like he was considering how innocent it was and then he'd grab me and start grinding with me. I was trying to just dance like a normal person - you know, not so much of the grinding closeness. Also, his hands were going places. He liked to get up under my shirt and I'd have to pull him away and such.
So basically, the night consisted of me dancing with Cody most of the time, but when Cody would disappear for long periods of time, I would be dancing with Chris. At one point I even was wondering around and just ran into Chris while walking and he grabbed me and pulled me to dance.
Chris kept insisting that he wanted me to get together with Cody. He said he was trying to find Cody a girl but Cody isn't really shy, just not outgoing enough to get one I guess. Like, he's an awesome guy, but I guess, the issue for Cody is that he goes out with Chris. Between the two of them, Chris is more appealing - not because of looks, they are pretty equal on that level. Chris, like I said, is outgoing and flirty and all those things that attract girls to guys (at least, they attract me to them…it's becoming an issue). So yeah, after he said this to me for the 50th time I stopped dancing, looked straight at him and said "Under normal circumstances, I'd probably be making out with Cody right now, but I can't tonight". He asked why, and I said "because you're here, and I like you a lot more." This more or less got me a more or less "What are you doing, you know I have a girlfriend" look from him. I don't know how else to describe it. He said "I have a girlfriend" and I said "I know, but I still like you". And we continued dancing. After this, whenever I was dancing with Cody, Chris would kind of be chilling by himself, but he was looking at me. I got Cassandra to dance with him at one point because he looked lonely, but she didn't like his touchiness so she stopped.
After a while, we discovered the we were going home to houses about a block away from each other. My friends all were leaving early-ish cause they were heavily intoxicated, but I didn't want to leave because I wanted to see what would happen with Chris. I didn't want to cause him to cheat on his girlfriend, but I wanted to hang out with him. The three of us decided to get a cab back to Cody's house together and I was just gonna walk home from there. We walked together down to where the cab was picking us up. Apparently they alway get picked up at Tim Horton's on George Street. The whole walk down, Chris was either massaging my shoulders, grabbing my arm/hand, putting his arm around me, trying to put his hand up under my shirt at my back, etc. He was essentially flirting with me non-stop. Cody was walking a bit a head of us, and I'm sure he noticed but he didn't say anything.
We stopped at the hot dog stand cause they both wanted to eat something, and naturally, Derek was there with Rob and some other guys. He immediately grabbed me to give me a hug while Chris and Cody got their food. Then he started talking about how we need to hang out soon and stuff. He didn't have my number because he lost his old phone so he wanted it and he gave me his new number, etc. He kept holding me with my back against him and his arms around me while he was talking to me. It was awkward because he's only like that with me when he's drunk so I just kind of ignored it.
Anyway, we continued to walk to meet the cab. I can remember Cody and Chris making fun of me for driving a Sunfire and I could hear Derek and them walking behind us and I heard them saying the word Sunfire/flower as well so I'm pretty sure they were trying to bug me…
The whole cab ride home, Chris was grabbing my arm, and like…running his fingers up it in the kind of way that sends shivers down your spine. I kept trying to grab his hand and he'd pull away and continue to do that instead. Anyway, we got to Cody's, paid the Cabby and got out. Chris drives one of the most gorgeous trucks I've ever seen. As soon as I saw it I was like "who's truck is that…" and Chris kind of looked at me with this smug little look on his face and said "you like it?" and I said "it's gorgeous…I'm a sucker for trucks". Cody then piped up about his bike in the garage - which I also wanted to see. These guys drive amazing vehicles. I heard the dogs inside the house and Cody mentioned them so I said "Can I meet them?" and they took me inside so I could see the dogs - which were adorable. Then they asked how I was gonna get home and I said it wasn't very far and I was just gonna walk, it's no big deal. They asked if I wanted them to walk me and also offered to let me stay and hang out with them in a hot tub…which I said no to. I said they didn't need to walk me home but if they wanted to they could. Cody said he was gonna go to bed but Chris offered to walk me home.
We left the house and walked together. It wasn't long before he had his arms around me and was flirting with me some more. I love body contact…I don't know what it is, but it just makes me feel more comfortable/safe/whatever. So when a guy has his arms around me or is touching me in pretty much any way (I swear I'm not trying to sound sexual) it just makes me feel way better. I love hanging out with David when I drink because he's the same way. He doesn't try to make out with you or anything, he just likes to be touched, even if it's just someone holding onto his arm to keep him steady. I'm the same way, so us drunk together is perfect. He's also one of the only guys I'm close enough to in order to act this way. Ryan and Tyler and them, not so much.
Anyway, Chris was touchy-feely. He wasn't trying to get anywhere with me, he just kept holding me, and I loved it. We talked. It was nice. I've never been so open with a person that I like before. He knew I liked him, so I didn't have to pretend I didn't. I was just really upfront with him. We talked about why I wanted him and not Cody. I can remember explaining that Cody is a good guy and that I do like him but I remember saying "I don't know what it is, not to be mean to Cody, but you're just better". It makes sense to me…
We talked about his girlfriend as well. They've been dating for four months. I was like "do you think it's going to last?" He actually told me that he had thought of breaking up with her already. This obviously got me hopeful, but not too much. I asked why he hadn't. I guess he doesn't want to hurt her because she's really insecure and such. It's understandable. I told him that he better call me if they ever break up because I really like him and he promised me he would. We got near the park and told him to come hang out on the swings with me for a bit. So we went and sat on the swings and just talked some more. Then he got up and tried to sit on me, which pushed me backwards. I was like "I'm gonna fall, I'm gonna fall' and he didn't believe me. He said "no way I got you," and I fell in the sand…which made him laugh. Then I told him to come chill with me. He was kind of like, siting on me for a minute…like straddling my hips sort of, but then he said he didn't like the sand and got up. I was like "it's warm and dry!". He went to sit in the grass and discovered it's very wet. He stood up and I went over to him and he was kind of holding me and he said something about his girlfriend and I said something about him not being a particularly good boyfriend at the moment and he kind of backed off and was like "I shouldn't be doing this…"
Then he went and laid on his back in the sand so I went over and laid beside him. We talked for a bit more and then he said he was cold so I go on top of him "to keep him warm". We were kind of just laying together for a bit - this is why the whole experience was so intimate for me. I've never been this close with a guy before. We weren't talking much, just laying there and it was amazing. I loved it. I don't know what it was, it was just great, though at one point he complained that i just have sand in my hair cause it was in his mouth suddenly. We didn't kiss, I never tried to make him, he never tried really either. I kind of kissed his jawline at one point, but I didn't go near his mouth. He kissed me on the forehead and then we were too cold so we got up to leave. Once we got to my house I could see he was freezing so I told him I was sober enough to drive him back to Cody's. I got the keys to the van and drove him back. He promised me he'd text or call (he didn't…I totally initiated that). He gave me a hug goodbye and then I went home.
I didn't see him again until the next week. On Saturday Oct 3rd, we went out for Head of the Trent together. I will write about this. I texted him before HOTT, but he said he was busy and couldn't hang out. But the fact that he texted me back gave me a little hope. He's at least interested enough to not ignore me. We also talked on MSN and he was the one who told me he wanted to get together to pre drink before going downtown for HOTT. That whole story is for another blog though. Too much at once for me to handle. I'm just so sick of falling for guys that have girlfriends. I don't mean to like them…it's not the fact that they are unavailable that attracts me to them. I like them before they have girlfriends or before I find out they have girlfriends. It's a crappy little cycle I'm keep finding myself in. And then I am continuously waiting for them to break up…it doesn't work very well and it's not something I recommend to anyone. Anyway, I'm gonna stop with this entry because it's ridiculously long and detailed…hopefully I've gotten down everything I want to remember. I can't think of much else.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I NEED to get on track!
I am bad at school. It's been over a month and I have still not gotten myself into gear this semester. I am simply unmotivated. I spend all my time going out on weekends, watching television online, hanging out randomly with people during the week, reading time-wasting websites like www.textfromlastnight.com or www.mylifeisaverage.com, watching vloggers on YouTube or creeping people on facebook. For instance, right now, I am watching House. Season 5 to be exact. I got it for my dad for his birthday yesterday but since I am also behind in the show I am catching up as well. I have a virtual lab rat experiment I could be doing, or some Edgar Allen Poe short stories I could read, or some Psychology definitions I could memorize…but I'm not. I really hope I'm not wasting my time in university.
I'm an English major. I'm spending thousands of dollars to go to school to read and act like a scholar by analyzing the things that I read. I'm not doing all those readings though. I've heard that in general most English majors have to pick and choose the books that they read because they realize that there is simply too much for them to stay on top of everything…but I'm not even doing a little bit. I need to start trying. I'm going to start trying.
Tomorrow I have a class from 9-11. It's my Renaissance to Restoration English course (2200). I'm supposed to have finished Absalom and Achitophel. I don't know if you've read this poem (by John Dryden) but it's difficult to follow - at least for me it is. I'm sure there are a ton of people out there that understand it and follow it perfectly well. I am not one of these people. I was having so much trouble getting through it that I had to find an audio recording of it online that I could listen to while I cleaned up my room because I kept reading the same lines over and over again. This poem is pages long. Anyway, the recording is about an hour long. I've gotten through just over half of it. This is a big deal for me and it really shouldn't be. The fact that this is an accomplishment is kind of pathetic.
I'm wondering if maybe I'm in the wrong place. Maybe if I went to a different school and didn't live at home while at school I would do a bit better. I wouldn't get distracted so easily. My house is always a mess and it really bothers me. I'm not someone that can handle working in a cluttered space…it gets to me.
I think I should start staying at school more…actually utilizing the library at my school? I never do. In fact, the only time I've been in there this year so far, I watched an episode of Heroes between my classes while I watched my virtual rat. So I haven't done any real work yet. I have an essay coming up. I think I need the assignments to get me into shape. Once I start writing, maybe it'll make me start working more? We'll see.
Anyway, this was a pretty bland entry. It was essentially me just…bragging about my abilities to procrastinate? Definitely not something to be proud of. I'm gonna go to bed now I guess…after this episode of House that I'm watching finishes. I'm going to get up in the morning, drive my mom to work (because my car is currently out of commission) and I'm going to use the extra time I have from getting up early to finish listening to the audio recording after I have a shower and then go to my English 2200 seminar prepared since I will actually have "read" the material! Yay me!
Ok…so that wasn't really a closure to my blog. Well…I guess a better one is for me to say…this blog is going to be about me. I'm going whine, complain, brag, share my excitement when something amazing happens to me, share my sadness when something completely un-amazing happens…and just be the real me. I don't know if people will read it, but if they do…they'll hear about everything. I hope that's ok with them. I have another post that I might put up or I might not…it's kind of extremely personal…and I'd probably have to change the names in it. I'm done talking now…I guess. I have so much I want to say…but it'll require more than one blog post…so I'm gonna do it all over time.
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