I went through a horrendous breakup, and I've been trying to figure out the best way to work through my feelings. I haven't posted anything on here in a while, but I wrote this on my computer a few weeks ago when I wasn't feelings particularly happy...to try and let it out somehow, so I thought I'd post it. No one really reads this anyway... I always forget about it. Anyway, here's some random journal entry I wrote.
I'm lost. I gave my entire heart to a guy I barely even knew when I thought I did and it was a mistake, a really terrible mistake because he took it and tore it out of my chest and he ripped it to shreds and instead of just letting the pieces fall he threw them to the ground and he stomped on them and crushed those pieces up even more. I have never felt like this before. I don't know how to function. I have no desire to do anything, no motivation, no drive. I wake up in the morning and I want to do something, I really do, but I just can't make myself do anything. I sit around a lot. If I wasn't working I don't even want to think of what my life would be like because at least if I'm going to work I'm doing something productive and I haven't been doing anything productive in ages. Jeff broke up with me on March 5th 2012. It is now May 21st and sure I seem like I'm better, I don't cry in public as often, I don't talk about him as often, apparently people are even noticing me losing weight…but on the inside I'm screaming. I'm screaming my friggin head off and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment because I don't know what I did to cause Jeff to treat me the way he has. I'm like pond scum to him. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He erased absolutely everything about me from his life and he never wants to see or speak to me again. I trusted him and I gave him my whole heart and cared about him more than I've ever cared about a person in my life and I knew my feelings for him were developing faster than his were for me but I thought he at least cared about me a little, or why the hell would he bother dating me. The things he'd do and say to me…he was just the world's greatest actor apparently because it was all lies. He didn't miss me when we weren't together, he never seemed like he wanted to talk to me, he was the hardest person in the world to make plans with which is apparently a result of him having no desire to hang out with me…I just don't understand why he even went into a relationship with me if he didn't want to be in one. Why he pretended to care about me. Why he introduced me to his family, let me stay at his house…why he took my virginity after I held onto it for 20 years. He took it knowing how I felt about him, knowing I had waited…I might not have made it seem like that big of a deal, but whether I outright told him or not, after waiting 20 years it's pretty obvious that it was important to me and that I was giving it to him because I cared about him. I obviously made a mistake in not waiting a little longer, not getting to know him better, not letting him show his true colours, but I'm not the one that should be blamed for that and I feel like everyone is blaming me. People are saying that I shouldn't even care because my virginity wasn't important to me and that I shouldn't have given it up so fast. He shouldn't have taken it from me when he knew he didn't care about me! This is not my fault in the slightest…I didn't do anything wrong. I was so good to him. We only dated for a little while but I let him become my world. I would have done anything for him…it's pathetic but I fell in love with him. I took all the love and emotions in me that I had been waiting so long to give to someone and I was so happy with Jeff and I felt so lucky to finally have someone that wanted to be with me…and so I just gave it all to him so fast. I let it all go…I held on to everything for so long, afraid of rejection and getting hurt and really worrying about my image - that was one of the main things for me, I was terrified because I'm not the skinniest girl in the world - and when I finally cave and actually decide to go for it and try dating a guy, he was the worst person I could have picked…he had no intention of seeing it through, he just used me and tossed me aside like garbage and has no intentions of fixing the things he did wrong and no intentions of helping me feel better…I'm nothing to him.
I never finished it, I kind of couldn't write anymore...it was a pretty rough couple of days for me around when I wrote this. I'm a bit better now...but I'm still working through everything.
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